It's a Wacky World
Crack!Fic, PG, OOC
The completely anti-climax way Severus Snape learned he was innocent man. And got asked out by Harry Potter.
Just a warning, quickly, this is CRACK, ok? It's set post-hbp and honestly I don't know how I could have gotten more ooc, lol. So I'm just saying, read this with an open mind.
Severus Snape was eating a rat when someone knocked on his door. He put the rat down, walked across the small cabin he was (grudgingly) calling home and opened it. Black eyes blinked.
"Hullo Snape." Harry Potter said.
Snape froze, sneered and then slammed the door. He took a few steps back looking at the door with a raised a brow.
The door was opened.
"Destruction of property now, Potter?"
Harry shrugged, "I use what skills I have." He stepped inside.
"What little they are." Snape eyed him and murmured with a frown, “do come in.”
"Again, what I have. We simple minded folk take what we can." Harry grinned. “And thanks, feel much better with the invite.”
Snape blinked again. "This is surreal. I am dreaming aren't I?" Snape inquired, giving the inside of his right wrist a little pinch and sneering as nothing happened.
"Snape I -- Back up, you dream of me?" Harry beamed, "my hearts all fluttering."
"Oh good god. This is a nightmare." Snape sat down.
"It's like there's lots of little butterflies in my stomach."
"Kill me now." Snape groaned. The chair broke.
Harry covered his mouth. A giggle escaped. He snorted. "You're not dreaming."
"I'm not?" Snape asked, voice a near snarl, from the ground. "Oh, well. Kill me then."
"So I'm meant to kill you when you dream and when you don't?" Harry cleared his throat. "It would be good to know. For the ministry inquiry."
"You -- Potter, I have never been this proud of you." Snape coughed. "Right. So, back on task, if your brain can handle that, I'm not dreaming, you're here and well, we're discussing your killing of me. All in a days work, I suppose."
"I'm not going to kill you, Snape.” Harry said, a why me sigh following, “I have come to tell you that you're cleared of all charges. We know Dumbledore told you to kill him." Harry paused, "are you eating a rat?"
"I was and -- Cleared?"
"Don't avoid the subject."
"You try being on the run." Snape snapped, "and I have some Wormtail issues from when he stayed in my house."
"So you eat rats?"
"It helps." Snape shrugged, as if it should have been obvious.
"More so if you start with the tail."
Harry eyed the rat on the table, "er, would you mind if I--?"
"Merlin." Snape stated, with the patent sneer. "We're discussing rats when I'm an innocent man."
"What else could we do?"
"Well I could be running through fields of flowers, basking in the suns warm, comforting glow, going to Hogwarts and terrorizing students." He smiled, with the teeth showing.
Harry quickly checked that he hadn't wet his pants - a smile like that could do that to a guy.
"Memories." Snape sighed, giving Harry a disappointed look.
"Ever been to the movies?" Harry asked quickly.
"Movies? Muggle thing, right?" Snape shook his head, "alas, no."
"Good then. Go with me?"
"Like a...?" Snape's lip curled.
"Date? Well yeah." Harry blushed. "I've had, you see, this wicked crush on you since fourth year. You bared your arm and I was lost."
"Arm? I don't - Are you talking about when I showed Fudge the Dark Mark?"
"Yip. Memories." Harry gave a smile of bliss.
Snape could think of only one word. "Ew."
"Don't be like that; I know you have feelings for me too." Harry said, annoyed.
"Yes, but I didn't develop them until your fifth year, and I don't have a Dark Mark fetish." Snape smirked.
"We all have our issues." Harry frowned, then perked up again, "So? Movies and dinner?"
"Er, why not?"
"Well, it’s like this." Snape furrowed his brows. "I think I broke my arse."
Harry blinked. "Right-o then. Good thing I'm planning on buying you dinner before I use it."
Snort. "Right. You use it." Snort. "Maybe you're the one dreaming."
"Not possible," Harry grinned.
"And why not, Mr. Potter?"
Harry reached down and offered Snape his hand. "Trust me, Severus. If this was my dream, your arse would not be broken." Harry winked.
Snape decided killing Dumbledore had it perks. He looked down and eyed Harry, hoping the perk wasn't little.
So how many times Snape ‘sneered’ can you see? Ah, the glory of Crack!Fic. If you don’t like the story that’s a shame, really, but I don’t want to know.
And once more, this is a Crack!Fic, Snape, and Harry, are meant to be out of character. Beta'd by Laura (LJ name unknown), any mistakes are my own.
Thanks for reading --- it must have been painful. Lol.